My life there and afterwards

Closure

What is closure? The dictionary defines it as “A feeling of finality or resolution, especially after a traumatic experience.” Well, that sounds nice. Who doesn’t want to feel resolved, especially about a difficult situation or after an experience that was traumatic. I personally steer away, however, from too quick of a resolution to a prolonged experience that slowly turned worse over the years. There is a sense of justice that needs to be met. I know all the advice that can be thrown my way. I hear all the voices in my head – don’t be vindictive – anger only hurts the person who is angry – God forgives, so should I – I was just as wrong, so I shouldn’t throw stones. The thing is, I don’t feel angry most of the time. If I am telling a story to someone, yes, the anger comes up. Once in a while there is a trigger situation that I respond strongly to. All that is natural and to be expected, considering what I have lived through. I am not claiming to be a saint with no negative emotions. To the contrary, I believe I deserve to have some anger, and that wrong doing should be brought to justice. If we all turned a blind eye, if we are all silent about the injustices we know about, we are then responsible for them also. Biblical: if the watchman on the tower does not cry out the warning as danger approaches, he is responsible for those who are harmed by the danger. I am the watchman. Actually it would be more accurate to say I am the survivor who has come out of a place that does harm, and it is my duty to sound the alarm. This blog is a beginning. I’ve had closure spoken to me twice now. If you read my blog titled “8 months”, at the end you will see where it is written “I was merely trying to find out what else you might be claiming, so that we could deal with it all at once, rather than piecemeal over an indefinite time into the future. I think I understand now that you have no interest in that and would like to keep the doors open indefinitely. I am not sure how that leads to closure, but I’ll see what I can do.” My reaction to this statement is that he is trying to shame me into leaving them alone. That his idea of “closure” is for me to leave them alone and not raise any questions about how they mistreated me, and what possible claims I might have on them for justice or restitution. It also makes me think  – what is it that they need closure for? Is it too much to hope that they feel a bit of shame for how they treated me? and for how they continue to treat each other? That may be hoping for too much, but we can always wish for the best, right? The other time it was spoken to me was by a dear friend who was wishing me well. I appreciate her thoughts for me and know it was out of the kindness of her heart that she spoke them. but closure for me cannot be just a turning away and “forgetting” the harm done to me. It was my life, and I will always carry it with me. I have peace, but I also cannot stay silent. I’m sure that is not what she meant, but I just have to make that point clear for myself and any readers.

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