My life there and afterwards

Why go to Church?

I didn’t go anywhere near a church for 3 years after I left CJ. It was all too emotional. It reminded me too closely and graphically how a church who was supposedly teaching the love of Jesus, had duped and emotionally abused me. I have gone to churches a bit here and there, liked some of the sermons I heard, but never felt welcomed by the people. Not rejected, but not welcomed either. And then a friend took me to this current church. It isn’t the denomination or the doctrine that I like – far from it. Those have no meaning to me at this time. I am searching for a definition for myself of my faith, I am not looking to lock into someone else’s construct. This church has that kind of openness that I need to not feel threatened.
Going to church gives me a backdrop in which to do this figuring out of what I believe. It gives me a place to react (mildly) to the different elements of the service so I can identify what those reactions are, and clarify my thoughts. I can’t do that in the isolation of my own apartment. It’s in moments like the songs we sing where I can identify where I am at in my own beliefs. For instance, I can sing songs of praise to God for watching over me, protecting me and guiding me. I cannot sing words that speak of God as a person, a father who is a mighty king that I submit to. To me at this time, God is more than just a person with super human powers. I still have a personal view of God, but CJ has burned out of me the need to submit in humbleness to an authority figure, with the hopes of gaining something in return for mindless obedience. At this point in my journey, God wants me to do some thinking on my own. I am not in a battle with God. I am actually on a very clear quest to find God in my own life.
God is Spirit. Jesus was/is man, and lived a Godly life to show us how. God is not a “He”. A caring life force, an intelligence, but “worship” is still too tied up with “obedience” to me.
It doesn’t matter whether you agree with me or not. That is not the point. As I try out words to express the workings of my mind and soul, I am working through them at the same time. What I say today may and probably will morph into something else in a week, month, year. That doesn’t matter either, because it is a journey. Hallelujah for the freedom of that! I don’t have to have it all together, I don’t have to be “right” in how I think. I can waver all over the path and it doesn’t matter. I’m sure that if God does have personal human like emotions and thoughts towards me that he is smiling at my child-like wanderings through the intellect, and as I “taste” the different flavors of faith.
Which reminds me, I have started reading about other religions. I’m on Hinduism right now. I know, all those crazy statues and gods. But if you read what they really believe, there is a lot of good stuff in there. And I have a feeling that this is going to be true of the other major religions of the world also. After all, we are all humans, made of the same stuff, and our yearnings for that which is more than this will look mightily alike.


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