Dance with death or dance with life,
The whirlwind stirs up the strife.
How to figure which is which,
Confusion swirls – what a bitch!
Try as I might to ride the wave,
Plead as I might my God to save,
The whirlwind sweeps me along
And nowhere can I find my song.
The darkness descends, confusion reigns.
Where are the glory days of yore?
My dreams are shattered, my hopes wane,
The promises that I held before
Have flown. I grovel in my misery.
I lose my grip on reality
The thoughts I have so long suppressed
Descend on me with a great stress.
With quaking fear, stomach clenched,
– I’m dying and must not relent-
In desperation bold
I gasp and take ahold
Of courage in a manic spurt,
Even tho’ my soul doth hurt.
I write the note, I wait my fate
I pace the room till it is late,
Then comes the call at once to go
And talk with those who do know.
What will become of me?
Will I find help to be free?
The help is there, God has heard my plea
But it is not what I expect it to be.
Instead of care and loving help to once again my center find
I’m cast adrift to seek alone the framework of my mind.
I’m told that I’m no longer fit a member there to be.
“In cases like this it’s best that quickly ye
Be gone. Tomorrow’s bus you must take
And leave for good, your own way to make”.
When man does ill, God’s love is true,
Cast out, my life begins anew.
The worst that they can do to me
Has actually worked to set me free.
Their true colors have now been shown,
And from their clutches I have flown.
I’m free! Can it really be?
I’m out! I would like to shout!
The sun begins it shining part
To heal and mend my broken heart.
I know not where this path will lead
But I do know this I need.
Where to live, how to eat,
Find a job, avoid the street,
Fear and panic share my heart
With joy and wonder for their part.
No home, no funds, where do I turn?
My friends and kids I soon do learn
Are there to help me make the change
From blind suppression to learn the strain
Of joy and freedom singing loud
Within my soul to lift the cloud.
A room of my own, family healing,
A circle of friends together sealing
The happiness that is growing
The love that God is showing.
It’s a mixture, to be sure,
But no doubts, the choice is pure.
My brain is tired but also eager
To learn and soak up through the ether
What others take for granted, I
Do with wonder catch on the fly.
Travelling through this world so varied, so much to learn, so much to gain,
It’s a journey of discovery, hills and valleys, joy and pain.
Through all that follows life abounds and all the parts make me whole.
Centered once again on growing, my heart and mind do find their goal.
Written in memory of the terrible state I was in leading up to my leaving, and the relief and healing I experienced once I was out. – Carrie Buddington 1/20/14