So I go to church most Sundays, when I feel like it, and surprising to me, I usually do feel like it. I use the time to notice my reactions to what is being said, and I write down my questions/thoughts/disagreements/musings. Here’s what came up today.
They sang a song about needing God, leaning on Him, etc. I realize I cannot rely on an “outside” force or person. I have to find God within me. This is because I can no longer trust any other person to guide me, and this puts into question what is God like, and what is there to trust? If He works through people, and I can no longer trust people for answers, where does that leave me?
People are good for other things – happiness, friendship, talk, fun, but not for answers.
They performed a song and dance about waiting for an angel to come take me “home” ( a place of peace). Nope. If I don’t do it myself, no one would do it for me. Angels are caring people and opportunities, but I have to choose to act.
“Jesus takes our problems and pains”. Really? Are you kidding? How? As far as I know, I have to deal with all that myself. What I can believe, and do experience, is that a connection with God can give me wisdom and patience, but He doesn’t “do it” or “take it away” for me.
“How would you behave if Jesus took away your fear?” was a question that was asked. I say “How would you behave if you gave up your fear, or acted in spite of your fear?” These are 2 different ways of looking at the issue.
Am I leaning on, tapping into, my own inner strength, or God/Jesus/Holy Spirit? Is there a God? Is there an intelligence outside of myself that is trustworthy? I believe that God is love, but that is a relational guiding principle, not necessarily an intelligent force whom I can interact with personally.
It’s like subconsciously I still believe and trust, but I can’t consciously wrap my brain around it. I say to God, You gave me strength to endure and survive, you did not protect or remove me from the suffering.
The interpretation of the Bible and how it is applied to our life today. The Community of Jesus had their own twist. How do I now go back and argue and re-learn a different interpretation?
So don’t worry about me, I think all of this is fascinating, and I am on a journey of discovery. I like asking these questions and knowing where I am at in my journey. I think these are questions everyone should ask, and probably most of you have. I didn’t because I was in such a repressive group.