My life there and afterwards

Name It

A slight depression dogged me all this last week. It was very frustrating because I did not know why my emotions were so low, and I could not shake it. I did not want to get up in the mornings; it was a struggle to get done the bare minimum of schoolwork and normal routines of living. I especially was frustrated at work, because the routine of the data entry was a perfect example of a dull, wasted life. My interactions with people were good, as always, but felt meaningless, since I can’t really solve anybody’s problems.

Finally, in talking about it, I mentioned in “passing” that I wasn’t handling my basement apartment as well as I thought I should. Suddenly I was crying, pouring out from the depths of my soul tears and anguish. I felt shut in and trapped. I sorely missed being able to gaze out the window at nature. It was a trigger from when I had been trapped in the cult.

I did not know when I rented the apartment that it would be a trigger for me. It is clean and cute and adequate and a wonderfully low price. But lo and behold, it is a trigger. Just naming this and recognizing where my depression is coming from has lifted my emotions. I now feel focused again, and to the top of my to-do list goes finding a new apartment. I am even willing to pay more, because my emotional health is worth it. I am worth it. It may take a few months, but I will find another studio apartment with large windows and lots of light.

In the meantime, now that I know what is triggering me, I can deal with it. I will get out more, visit friends more, do my reading by the one small window I do have, and anything else I can to not feel shut in.

For me it takes talking about it and getting a bit of input from someone I trust to get clarity on my emotions. I have spent so many years suppressing them, and enduring suffering so as to not be “a problem”, that I fall into that pattern too easily. I have this warped sense that I “should be able to handle it” – whatever “it” is.

I was taught that only major, major issues got you a ticket for counseling. Now I know that any suffering or anxiety or confusion can be brought to the table for discussion and help. That makes me glad and grateful, and the results are peace and stability and freedom.


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