My life there and afterwards

God-in-me sees God

This is a quote from Richard Rohr’s Daily Meditation, https://cac.org/richard-rohr/daily-meditations

“For Jung, the God archetype is the whole-making function of the soul. It’s that part of you that always wants more. I don’t mean more in the greedy sense; I mean more in the spiritual sense. It is the inner energy within the soul of all things, saying, “Become who you are. Become all that you are. There is still more of you–more to be discovered, forgiven, and loved.” Jungian analytical psychology calls such growth and becoming “individuation,” which I like to think of as moving toward the life wish instead of the death wish (the Biblical word for the death wish was “sin”). The life wish teaches you not to fragment, not to splinter, and not to split, but to integrate and learn from everything…the God archetype is quite simply love at work driving you toward every greater embrace and ever deeper union.”

This spoke to me, because it lines up with my sense of god as the Mystery of Life, and of how we as humans are always drawn to “something more”, we are always looking towards the next horizon. Life and health are wrapped up in growth and movement towards the next horizon, the next goal. Stagnation always brings sickness and unhappiness.

I used to worry that I was never at peace. My idea of peace came from my life at CJ, where lack of feeling was equivalent to peace. To not feel the constant humiliation, the lack of sleep, the degrading sense of never measuring up to the leaders’ standards was the only peace I could hope to find. Now I understand my search for “more” is a life force that brings peace and happiness. As the quote above says, it is not a quest for more driven by greed, but rather by the essence of life itself, which is one of growth and learning and expanding in experience. It is that desire to learn and to connect with others. And, ironically, abuse and dysfunctional experiences often increases our desire for that life of growth.

There is a season for all things. When I first left it was a time to protect myself and to give myself time to heal and adjust. Now is the time to expand. Now is the time to continue connectiong with people. It is an exciting time.

At CJ there was a demand to totally give myself to God. However, this was framed as a struggle to submit my will to the will of others, and to live an outwardly perfect life. It was a matter of will, not a matter of an inner dialogue of love and trust with god. It felt to me that god was invoked as the force to make me submit, not as a force of love and life that cared about me. Catholics believe in the Pope as the source of authority, Protestants believe in the Bible as the source of authority, at CJ I believed in the prophetic wisdom of the leaders as the source of authority. Now it all seems the same to me. That was about trying to believe in something outside of myself, instead of connecting with god in my spirit/soul/inner being. My faith life became dictated by the leaders, not something that was an integral part of myself.

That internal faith life is now something that I am in process of discovering for myself, and it doesn’t matter who is “right” about defining what the term “god” encompasses. Some people believe that there is nothing outside of the personal experience, there is no god “out there”. Others believe that God is an actual person, just one that is greater than we are. And some believe something inbetween those two poles. I don’t think it matters. The life energy drives us forward, and love is to be found in the interpersonal space between people.

If it is not found in any particular relationship, then don’t continue that relationship. Be drawn to light and love and do not allow the darkness/sickness in others infect you.

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