Moving slowly

Not much to report on this week. I have made a list of bookstores on Cape Cod, North Shore near Rockport, and North Shore near Reading. My next task is to send out a flyer to all of them.

Hire a publishing house or do it myself?

I was approached by Dorrance Publishing, who had seen my book on Amazon. I sent them the manuscript, and they were very interested in marketing it for me. They have a 100 year history of being in business so are not an upstart. They have a 4.9/5 rating on the Better Business Bureau, so I thought I could trust them. They even gave me a discounted price because I had already done all the editing, cover design, etc. So why didn’t I go with them?

The price was $5K. I would have had to take out a personal loan and then GoFundMe to pay for it. I could have done that, and was leaning that way. Then I paid attention to myself. I was hesitating, I wasn’t sure. I decided to do some meditating/thinking about why. I did some IFS (Internal Family Systems) by myself and realized there is a part of me that is afraid of negative blow-back because of having written and published my memoir. Mostly from the cult, but also from anywhere.

Then I went to the Cape to visit a friend who happens to be a journalist. In talking with her, she encouraged me, saying there was no reason why I couldn’t do the marketing myself. She has offered to help me write contact letters.

Next I made an appointment with my therapist because I can always go deeper with IFS when he is guiding me. There was a hurt part stuck in the past that was constantly told anything and everything she thought was wrong, her story was always lies, and she got into mega trouble because of her thoughts, her truth. There was a protector who took on the role of keeping her quiet, not saying anything, in order to stay out of trouble. Very valuable protector back then. I did the work to update them, care for the exile hurt part, and bring them into my current present, their future. I no longer fear getting my story told.

With the fear gone, I am capable of making a promotional flyer myself. I can make the postcards to send out to people. I can write the letters to places I want to interest in my story. And I can contact bookstores about author signing. I CAN DO IT!

#igotout

I wrote a short synopsis for @igotout and it is now on their site.

https://www.igotout.org/written-stories-1/the-pain-ejected-me-?fbclid=IwAR2HeZZxmJjkXMkcs9hnfi_l03uCVxwHRpKE1ku7kiLmQZh3Y_y69J–e6I

The Pain Ejected Me …

I got out of a Christian church/cult after having lived there for 40 years. They look good on the outside and the public message is all about love and forgiveness and living the Christian life fully in our daily lives, and what joy and freedom comes from that. It is also about receiving correction from everyone around you, confessing your sins constantly, and being absolutely obedient without question. Behind the scenes no holds are barred and humiliation, shame, browbeating, and isolation are all used.

I went in at 20 years old and came out at 64 years old.

I was married when we went in, and I had 3 children and raised them there. My husband left first. He couldn’t take the harassment any longer, had an affair and was raked over the coals for that. Our youngest daughter was having “rebellion” issues at 13 (actually she could smell the bs and was too emotionally strong to cave in to it), and the leaders accused my husband of sexually molesting her, which she and I and he all denied. He just wasn’t that kind of guy. They wanted him to sign a “confession” that they had drawn up and he refused. They pressured him out. I didn’t know that until after I left.

At the time I thought he chose to leave me and I was devastated. It was hard enough living there, and to have him leave after having an affair, well “Heaven hath no fury like a woman scorned.”  I sunk deeper into the trap of the cult. They pushed him out and pulled me in. My 3 kids left 1 by 1. One before HS graduation, 1 after HS graduation, and 1 after being a vowed sister for a few years. When my last one left is when I started thinking maybe I should leave too. Being there for my children had been one of the strong reasons for staying. It took me several more mentally tormented years however before I did leave.

I started having nightmares of falling over the edge of a cliff into a dark abyss which had no bottom and no hope of return. It scared the bejeezers out of me – I guess you could say quite literally scared the Big Jesus out of me. I would wake up from those dreams knowing that if I surrendered completely to obedience, I would never be my “self” again, that I would lose my identity.

The pain ejected me. I was so miserable all the time.

Honesty about our sins was part of the core teachings, so I was determined to be more brutally honest with myself about why I was miserable and just could not find happiness. I began to admit that I saw hypocrisy all around me. We taught love, and we were cruel to each other. When I tried to be loving to a sister in distress, the other sisters said I was soft and she was in stubborn rebellious sin. When I began to voice my contrary feelings, I got blasted with “light sessions” = hours long sessions in a small group where everyone yelled at me, was disgusted with me, for the purpose of breaking me down into tears and getting confessions from me, after which I would be put on “discipline” for days or weeks of menial labor, loss of responsibility, and isolation.

More details are in my memoir, but one fateful day I wrote my 3rd note to the other superior asking for help, a leave of absence, and was ejected. I was told to get on a bus to Boston the next day and find a place to live. I was not to come back.

I was kicked out at 64 years old after 40 years of unpaid service, with no money, no savings, and very few possessions. They gave me $500 and “lent” me $500 and that was it.

I wasn’t sure at first I could survive on my own. They had said often that anyone who left was leaving their call from God, was leaving God, and would not have His help or protection. The fear of being homeless and hungry, plus the motivation of wanting to prove them wrong, spurred me on.

I stayed with my daughters for a month, found a cheap room, went to a career center, got a job, started saving money, bought a car, moved to better apartments, got better jobs, and most importantly found a fabulous therapist who has helped me process what I went through. I jumped at the opportunity to go to college, and eventually got my Master’s in Social Work and my LCSW license.

I am now in my preferred story, and loving it.

Carrie, LCSW, author of “Exquisite Torture: Life in a Christian Cult”

The writing journey: getting it down

What has it been like to write this memoir?

It took me 13 years, roughly. I started out the first year writing down everything I could remember. I had this feeling that as time passed the pain and memories would fade, and I wanted as clear a recollection as I could. So, I started writing. It would become too painful at times, and I would have to put it aside, sometimes for a few days, once for a full year. It certainly brought up a lot I could talk about with my therapist. And vice versa. Talking with my therapist clarified things for me so I could write them down.

I would write sporadically, sometimes every day for a week or more, sometimes once a week or once a month. I bought a small voice recorder because a lot of times memories would surface when I was driving, and then fade by the time I got home. Several times I would turn on the recorder and just talk while I was driving. Once or twice, it got too emotional, so I discontinued that practice. I didn’t want to jeopardize my driving, or the other people on the road.

This process was invaluable. It was good for me to get the memories down on paper and out of my head. That enabled me to stop thinking constantly about them. I highly recommend talking to a therapist as well as writing. But do shop around until you find one you are comfortable with.

Memoir is written!

It’s been over a year since I posted anything. To anyone who is still following this blog, I don’t know if an apology is really where it’s at, because this is a place for me to express myself – or not – and I guess I have been concentrating on other things for a year. So not an apology, but maybe an explanation.

I don’t even know if anyone reads this. I am writing to a void. but once in a while I get a response, or someone mentions they saw my blog, so I guess there are some who see this. I’m not very savvy or adept at this social media game, and having been in the cult for so long, with the paranoid “always wrong” mentality, I’m not very comfortable with speaking up in public, even when I can’t see any of you. I think that makes it even more scary, because I don’t know who my audience is, and there is a part of me that sees CJ as part of the audience.

I actually know that is true, because they know my blog exists, and tried to intimidate me once because of it.

Ok that is off my chest.

This past year I have moved and changed jobs.

But the most exciting and momentous news is that I have finished writing my memoir!

It is on Amazon as both a paperback and an eBook. If you read it, and would like to help spread the word, please leave a review on Amazon. The more reviews it gets, the more the Amazon algorithm will bring it up when someone searches. I appreciate the support! More to come… I promise I won’t be gone a year this time 🙂

Singer 3

Margaret T. Singer, Cults in our Midst: The Continuing Fight Against Their Hidden Menace. Josey-Bass, 2003

Pg. xxv. Introduction to the First Edition

            “Modern day cults and thought reform groups tend to offer apparent utopias, places where all humankind’s ills will be cured. The cult’s lure is, if you first come along, all will be fine, and everyone will live happily ever after.”

            Cay & Judy’s rhetoric was an example of this quote. They spoke of the need to struggle and work against our base human natures, which involves some suffering, but that it was all in the pursuit of freedom from the sufferings we all experienced, and towards a utopian goal of living a happy, free, and fulfilling life. They spoke of service to God as being the highest form of satisfaction. They would often teach that all sufferings would drop away if you would only surrender your “self” 100% to obedience.

            This captivated my desire to be a part of something bigger than myself, something that would warrant my efforts, and be worthy of giving my life to. I was too young and naïve to realize that there are people in the world who have grandiose visions of what they can accomplish, and do not hesitate to manipulate others towards their own ego fulfillment.

            My family of origin had left me feeling unsatisfied, and looking for something in the world that was fulfilling. It did not occur to me that it was up to me to make my path in life. I thought it was “out there” somewhere and I only had to find it. Cay and Judy at The Community of Jesus promised to fill that longing. Their promises were false.

Update on GCC abuse and CJ connection

https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/new-allegations-school-of-secrets-1.6319539?cmp=rss

Thoughts from reading Margaret Singer – 2

In contrast to the cult self, Singer speaks of the protean self, a term R.J. Lifton coined to describe the authentic self. “The protean self, in contrast to the fundamentalist or cult self, is open and many-sided; rather than narrowly prescribed, it calls forth odd combinations, and includes important elements of humor and mockery.” (Foreword)

I love this description. I was so narrowly prescribed while in the CJ cult. I dared not think outside of the box. I dared not dream of things I would like to do or try. I was a cog in their well-oiled machine, a worker-bee taught to do as I was told and to have no initiative of my own. I get so angry when I look back at the constriction, the fear and humiliation that they filled my days with. In contrast, I feel so free now. Not that I don’t have my hang-ups, my fears of new situatiosn, my self-doubts, but I now have the freedom to try new things. I can recognize that my self-doubts are a hangover from the cult days, and I can be gentle with myself, and encourage myself to spread my wings. I can go ahead and be out of my comfort zone, and I discover that those new situations, new jobs, new friends, quickly become familiar and comfortable.

I also love the permission this quote gives to be quirky, odd, and to try new combinations. There is no “right” way to be. We can all be our authentic selves, and humor and mockery have a part to play in our recovery.

Singer, M. (2003). Cults in our Midst: The Continuing Fight Against Their Hidden Menace. Josey-Bass

Thoughts from reading Margaret Singer – 1.

In my journey of recovery from having lived in a totalitarian cult for so long, it has been important for me to realize that abuse that is not physical is legitimately abuse. As much as I had suffered from psychological abuse, there was a part of me that minimized it because it was not physical or sexual abuse.

As Robert J. Lifton puts it in his foreword to Margaret Singer’s book Cults in our Midst: The Continuing Fight Against Their Hidden Menace (2003), “…psychological manipulation is the heart of the matter, with or without the use of physical violence…in cults there occurs a series of psychological processes that can be associated with what has been called ‘coercive persuasion’ or ‘thought reform’…there is a pattern of manipulation and exploitation from above (by leaders and ruling coteries) and idealism from below (on the part of supplicants and recruits)” (pg. xi).

That idealism that Lifton speaks of was a driving force behind my acceptance of the teachings and practices of The Community of Jesus. We were supposedly learning to live a life pleasing to God which would then spread out and bring the Kingdom of Love to our whole area, and even possibly the whole world. Idealism can fuel acceptance of an awful lot of suffering, all in the name of achieving some lofty goal. You know it is a cult, or other manipulative group, when the goals are never reached, and the suffering increases, which was my experience at The Community of Jesus.

Climate Change

I was listening this morning to a Larry King Live interview of Neil deGrasse Tyson from 4 yearrs ago (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4x2ZrklQQYU). Both of those men are so wonderful to listen to. Larry asked Neil what he thinks of climate change deniers, and Neil responded that he doesn’t care what anyone believes, but that if those in power deny climate change, those who have control over legislation, then that is a “recipe for disaster…that is the end of an informed democracy”.

Climate change happens over long periods of time, and has been a natural cyclical pattern on the earth for eons. The fossil and archeological records show us that. What is different, and concerning, about the climate change that is happening now is its intensity and rapidity.

Most people have heard different sides of the fossil fuel debate, so today I want to talk about water, particularly the drought in California. There are cyclical droughts throughout the history of the earth, but what makes this drought different is the effect of human activity on it. There is an underground water table in California (and surrounding states). The people and industries of California draw from that water table faster than it is being naturally replenished. Depleting the water-table leaves the surface drier than normal, setting up the conditions for wildfires.

Overuse of the Colorado River has effects not only on the immediate area of California, but downstream as well. The Colorado River used to support “…extensive estuary and terrestrial ecosystems in Baja California…The use of water upstream and the accompanying reduction of freshwater flow has resulted in the loss of most of the wetlands of the area, as well as drastic changes to the aquatic ecosystems.” (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Colorado_River_Delta).

The weather patterns are shifting. It is not raining as much in some places, and it is raining more heavily in other places. We are seeing a change. We need to be better stewards of our behaviors and activities. DeGrasse Tyson used the example of watering our lawns. Do we need to use potable water for that? No, we could use recycled water from our dishwashers (for example). “The grass is not going to care.”

There have been some accusations that the people charged with managing the forests in California had left the underbrush grow to a dangerous level. I would like to point out that normally the forest would be green and wet enough to offset that danger. With the drier conditions produced by the over-consumption of water, then the underbrush becomes a fire danger. While mankind does try its best to manage our natural resources, it is impossible to prevent all natural occurrences. We have to look at and take responsibility for producing the dangerous conditions in the first place. As deGrasse Tyson says in the interview, “We need to think more…holistically about systems that manifest on this earth, and that’s a relatively new way to think about the world…All evidence points to the fact that it is human influence on the ecosystem that is influencing these changes.”