I was approached by Dorrance Publishing, who had seen my book on Amazon. I sent them the manuscript, and they were very interested in marketing it for me. They have a 100 year history of being in business so are not an upstart. They have a 4.9/5 rating on the Better Business Bureau, so I thought I could trust them. They even gave me a discounted price because I had already done all the editing, cover design, etc. So why didn’t I go with them?
The price was $5K. I would have had to take out a personal loan and then GoFundMe to pay for it. I could have done that, and was leaning that way. Then I paid attention to myself. I was hesitating, I wasn’t sure. I decided to do some meditating/thinking about why. I did some IFS (Internal Family Systems) by myself and realized there is a part of me that is afraid of negative blow-back because of having written and published my memoir. Mostly from the cult, but also from anywhere.
Then I went to the Cape to visit a friend who happens to be a journalist. In talking with her, she encouraged me, saying there was no reason why I couldn’t do the marketing myself. She has offered to help me write contact letters.
Next I made an appointment with my therapist because I can always go deeper with IFS when he is guiding me. There was a hurt part stuck in the past that was constantly told anything and everything she thought was wrong, her story was always lies, and she got into mega trouble because of her thoughts, her truth. There was a protector who took on the role of keeping her quiet, not saying anything, in order to stay out of trouble. Very valuable protector back then. I did the work to update them, care for the exile hurt part, and bring them into my current present, their future. I no longer fear getting my story told.
With the fear gone, I am capable of making a promotional flyer myself. I can make the postcards to send out to people. I can write the letters to places I want to interest in my story. And I can contact bookstores about author signing. I CAN DO IT!
I got out of a Christian church/cult after having lived there for 40 years. They look good on the outside and the public message is all about love and forgiveness and living the Christian life fully in our daily lives, and what joy and freedom comes from that. It is also about receiving correction from everyone around you, confessing your sins constantly, and being absolutely obedient without question. Behind the scenes no holds are barred and humiliation, shame, browbeating, and isolation are all used.
I went in at 20 years old and came out at 64 years old.
I was married when we went in, and I had 3 children and raised them there. My husband left first. He couldn’t take the harassment any longer, had an affair and was raked over the coals for that. Our youngest daughter was having “rebellion” issues at 13 (actually she could smell the bs and was too emotionally strong to cave in to it), and the leaders accused my husband of sexually molesting her, which she and I and he all denied. He just wasn’t that kind of guy. They wanted him to sign a “confession” that they had drawn up and he refused. They pressured him out. I didn’t know that until after I left.
At the time I thought he chose to leave me and I was devastated. It was hard enough living there, and to have him leave after having an affair, well “Heaven hath no fury like a woman scorned.” I sunk deeper into the trap of the cult. They pushed him out and pulled me in. My 3 kids left 1 by 1. One before HS graduation, 1 after HS graduation, and 1 after being a vowed sister for a few years. When my last one left is when I started thinking maybe I should leave too. Being there for my children had been one of the strong reasons for staying. It took me several more mentally tormented years however before I did leave.
I started having nightmares of falling over the edge of a cliff into a dark abyss which had no bottom and no hope of return. It scared the bejeezers out of me – I guess you could say quite literally scared the Big Jesus out of me. I would wake up from those dreams knowing that if I surrendered completely to obedience, I would never be my “self” again, that I would lose my identity.
The pain ejected me. I was so miserable all the time.
Honesty about our sins was part of the core teachings, so I was determined to be more brutally honest with myself about why I was miserable and just could not find happiness. I began to admit that I saw hypocrisy all around me. We taught love, and we were cruel to each other. When I tried to be loving to a sister in distress, the other sisters said I was soft and she was in stubborn rebellious sin. When I began to voice my contrary feelings, I got blasted with “light sessions” = hours long sessions in a small group where everyone yelled at me, was disgusted with me, for the purpose of breaking me down into tears and getting confessions from me, after which I would be put on “discipline” for days or weeks of menial labor, loss of responsibility, and isolation.
More details are in my memoir, but one fateful day I wrote my 3rd note to the other superior asking for help, a leave of absence, and was ejected. I was told to get on a bus to Boston the next day and find a place to live. I was not to come back.
I was kicked out at 64 years old after 40 years of unpaid service, with no money, no savings, and very few possessions. They gave me $500 and “lent” me $500 and that was it.
I wasn’t sure at first I could survive on my own. They had said often that anyone who left was leaving their call from God, was leaving God, and would not have His help or protection. The fear of being homeless and hungry, plus the motivation of wanting to prove them wrong, spurred me on.
I stayed with my daughters for a month, found a cheap room, went to a career center, got a job, started saving money, bought a car, moved to better apartments, got better jobs, and most importantly found a fabulous therapist who has helped me process what I went through. I jumped at the opportunity to go to college, and eventually got my Master’s in Social Work and my LCSW license.
I am now in my preferred story, and loving it.
Carrie, LCSW, author of “Exquisite Torture: Life in a Christian Cult”
It took me 13 years, roughly. I started out the first year writing down everything I could remember. I had this feeling that as time passed the pain and memories would fade, and I wanted as clear a recollection as I could. So, I started writing. It would become too painful at times, and I would have to put it aside, sometimes for a few days, once for a full year. It certainly brought up a lot I could talk about with my therapist. And vice versa. Talking with my therapist clarified things for me so I could write them down.
I would write sporadically, sometimes every day for a week or more, sometimes once a week or once a month. I bought a small voice recorder because a lot of times memories would surface when I was driving, and then fade by the time I got home. Several times I would turn on the recorder and just talk while I was driving. Once or twice, it got too emotional, so I discontinued that practice. I didn’t want to jeopardize my driving, or the other people on the road.
This process was invaluable. It was good for me to get the memories down on paper and out of my head. That enabled me to stop thinking constantly about them. I highly recommend talking to a therapist as well as writing. But do shop around until you find one you are comfortable with.
It’s been over a year since I posted anything. To anyone who is still following this blog, I don’t know if an apology is really where it’s at, because this is a place for me to express myself – or not – and I guess I have been concentrating on other things for a year. So not an apology, but maybe an explanation.
I don’t even know if anyone reads this. I am writing to a void. but once in a while I get a response, or someone mentions they saw my blog, so I guess there are some who see this. I’m not very savvy or adept at this social media game, and having been in the cult for so long, with the paranoid “always wrong” mentality, I’m not very comfortable with speaking up in public, even when I can’t see any of you. I think that makes it even more scary, because I don’t know who my audience is, and there is a part of me that sees CJ as part of the audience.
I actually know that is true, because they know my blog exists, and tried to intimidate me once because of it.
Ok that is off my chest.
This past year I have moved and changed jobs.
But the most exciting and momentous news is that I have finished writing my memoir!
It is on Amazon as both a paperback and an eBook. If you read it, and would like to help spread the word, please leave a review on Amazon. The more reviews it gets, the more the Amazon algorithm will bring it up when someone searches. I appreciate the support! More to come… I promise I won’t be gone a year this time 🙂
My Life During and After The Community of Jesus 